John has asked me to write. I have not yet found the appropriate words. I have tried typing over and over and I erase it all. Perhaps that is just part of mourning. I don't know. I've never lost anyone close to me. It's painful. One minute I think I'm in denial and ignore my pain and another minute something sets me into tears. I wanted this baby. Very much. I asked God for this baby and it was never so clear that He wanted this baby too. Yet, for whatever reasons He took
Gianni back into his arms last weekend. I image our baby with our Lady.
What a lucky baby to escape the sufferings of this world. What a lucky baby to only know a perfect Mother who is all love. I am trying hard to thank our Lord. I am truly trying. When I am tempted to ask "Why?" I pray for gratitude in all the bounteous blessings he has bestowed upon our family. When I am tempted to ask "Why?" I tell Him I am thankful that he has given me my health back (I was very sick for a week - bedridden kinda sick.) When I am tempted to ask "Why?" I tell Him I am thankful that I have a prayerful husband who provides more that I could have ever imagined. I've quit asking "Why." It's not for me to know. I am thankful that God has blessed us with 9 children who are my life and I hope are molding me into a saint in ways I cannot now see. There is no book without paragraphs of suffering etched somewhere into the chapters. I have to give this chapter back to God. I have a hole in my heart that I know only Christ can and will fill if I carry out His will. I pray His Most Sacred Heart will fill my heart with all that it is lacking. I pray I will learn to be more compassionate. I pray I will be more tender. I pray I will be more patient. I pray that I will again be blessed with another little life. I know how unworthy I am to have been given so much already. God is a generous God.
Before I formed thee in the bowels of thy mother, I knew thee: and
before thou camest forth out of the womb, I sanctified thee, and made
thee a prophet unto the nations.
~Jeremiah 1:5
I am so sorry for your loss of little Gianni. Will keep all of you in my prayers. Sending hugs. (((((( ))))))
ReplyDeleteLove~ Mary Ann :)
Thank you for the prayers, Mary Ann!
DeleteMary and John, my thoughts and prayers are with you both as you grieve little Gianni. She will give you back more than you gave her. God will send you consolations in your great loss, even though that loss will always be there. Not much is harder in all the world than to bury your own child. For, for all time, she will have existed in your womb and in your hearts. Love you both! Jean
ReplyDeleteJean, we are actually uncertain if baby was a boy or a girl. I was only 7 weeks. Nathan and Elizabeth chose the name as it was considered a neutral name for a boy or girl. St. Gianna Molla is where it was derived. I truly never thought I would miscarry a baby. I will learn to never say never again. As you know, this loss is a valley of tears that millions of mamas have also gone through. Baby was due on Our Lady of Sorrows feast day. Originally that bothered me, but I now find comfort in that for some odd reason.
DeleteMary you are still pretty young. I had Maria at 43-1/2 and miscarried a baby around the same time as above close to my 48th birthday. Wouldn't that have been a record! So we totalled 7 losses, and I hope that is final. I don't think we could stand losing another child. So they better all outlive us! That includes all you sons and daughter in law! Time helps you deal with the realities of life. You work so hard at building a good family life. You see the achievements. You forget how hard some of the lessons were to learn. You thank God for all your blessings. You don't want to let it all go. All the while God keeps trying to prepare us for the next stage in life. Science says that part of each child is always with you, in the mother's body. I don't know if this is the first time you've experienced loss of a child, but I know God is preparing you for something great, both of you.
DeleteJean, I had no idea you have lost that many babies. That is sad. (((hugs))) You are a pillar of strength and I look up to you for placing your trust in God's plan for your family size. I can't imagine it was ever easy. This is the first baby (hopefully, the only) we have lost. Your loss is comparable to that of the book of Job.
DeletePrayers for you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine your pain, even having lost three babies myself. I am sure you will understand God's will at some point. With each of my losses God knew what I needed (or did not need) at that point. The lessons I learned and love I felt from Him made it a bit easier to accept. God bless you dear Mary. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThank you for all of the prayers, Karen. I know it has made things much more bearable. This past week I have been thinking about all the suffering mommies I know and how much more they have had to suffer compared to my small cross. And yet, they forget themselves and lend me comfort in words and gestures and make our family a meal when they already have given so much of themselves to their own families. It is humbling. I know I have much to learn in the way of the cross and I am grateful there are other moms sporting halos to lead the way. You were one of those moms that came to mind this week. God bless you and Darren and all your bambinos:) (((Hugs)))
DeleteI must say that your loss has inspired me to again remember my own. This week I broke down and spent the money to finish my mother's necklace. I bought three little angels with the birthstones of the months we lost them. Thanks for reminding me that those babies are very much a part of who I am and I should remember to include them in my toe count. Joyful and thankful mother of 110 toes.
DeleteOh, Mary, I'm so sorry! We are praying for you and the whole family! This was a beautiful read and brought me some consolation too. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for praying for us, Kateri. We are blessed to have such a prayerful family. It must have been terribly difficult for you to lose little Clare. I can't imagine not having our faith to get us through suffering. Knowing Our Lord has carved us in the palm of His hand is consoling. ((hugs))
DeleteThis post makes me cry! I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby so soon. It is so hard. I have been there. Our baby was about 5 weeks old. We lost him/her at the very same time we lost Pope John Paul II. That was comforting. God always gives us comfort when we are sorrowing. He is so good!
ReplyDeleteJust think. All our little babies are snuggled together keeping each other company in their heavenly mansion:) That is a sweet thought. They are looking down on us and continually smiling with their chubby little cherub cheeks. Our own personal little intercessors!
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